What really keeps you up at night

When you were a child, you probably had a lot of irrational fears going to bed.

You imagined monsters under the bed or a burglar sitting in your closet and jumping out any second.

When I was younger, I couldn't sleep in the dark and always had my bedroom door slightly open with the lights on in the hallway so whenever I opened my eyes in the night, I could see immediately what was going on around me.

I also often got up in the night and tried to get into my parent's bed for comfort and this continued for a few years until I would eventually grow out of my irrational fears.

We often try and rationalize our children's fears and tell them there is nothing to be afraid of but when you're in the moment, it's difficult to accept those rational reasons and your thoughts spiral, you start hearing noises and you imagine the worst.

Now think about when you wake up in the middle of the night.

• What is the first thing you think about?

• Is it all the things you haven't done yet and the fear of not being able to complete your tasks the next day?

• Is it a conversation you had at work with your manager that you are replaying over and over again and are worrying about?

• What if I said something wrong?

• Did I jeapordize a potential promotion?

Now you're awake and can't go back to sleep and you're worrying about being really tired and exhausted the next day because you haven't slept enough.

You're already dreading your afternoon meetings and responsibilities and how unfocussed you will feel and the day hasn't even started yet!

During the day, you think to yourself:

"Why did I worry about all of these things so much? They're not as bad as I thought they would be."

Your rational thoughts and reasoning takes over again and you promise yourself that you'll be more relaxed the next time it happens but for some reason it keeps happening over and over again and becomes a cycle of overthinking and worrying that you can't get out of.

This week's topic is about what to do when you wake up at night and can't go back to sleep but it's not what you think…

"Nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is while you're thinking about it" - Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow

I'm not going to tell you to use breathing techniques or meditate or even journal (although these things can be helpful techniques for some people!).

When you wake up at night and your mind starts racing, it is very difficult to pull yourself out of your own thoughts even if you have set the best intentions.

You might try various breathing and mindfulness techniques and that might calm down your anxiety and nervous system but those irrational thoughts are still swirling in your head and coming up to the surface no matter how many techniques you try.

It might even make things worse because you are so desperately trying force your body to go to sleep and it's doing the exact opposite.

You cannot control sleep - instead you need to let go and let sleep take control over you.

So what should you do instead?

First, you need to stop trying to solve the problem at night and in the moment.

When you wake up in the middle of the night, you are likely waking up from a dream. A few seconds ago, you were in REM sleep when your brain is the most active but also the least rational.

Your subconcious is active and producing very realistic images and scenes that you would immediately question during the day but at night, they seem completely normal to you.

So when you wake up, your brain is still in "dream mode" and any irrational thoughts will seem completely plausible to you which is why it's very difficult for you to pull yourself out of the spiral and get back to sleep easily.

REM sleep is also the lightest sleep phase where your brain is almost as active as it is during the day, only your body is paralysed (otherwise you would be trying to act out your dreams and that could get dangerous and awkward very quickly.)

So stop trying to fix your overthinking problem when you're half asleep and extremely sensitive to irrational thoughts and fears.

Start working on your sleep problems during the day when the rational part of your brain is active.

You can train your brain to overcome dysfunctional beliefs and thoughts and this can help you get back to sleep at night.

You might have heard of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT, which is commonly used to treat anxiety and depression but it's also a great tool to overcome sleep issues and there is a subcategory called CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia).

There are multiple aspects to CBT-I that and I may dive deeper into them in future posts but the main focus is around restructuring and reframing your thoughts, feelings and behavours that might contribute to insomnia.

One of the main techniques of CBT-I involves breaking down dysfunctional and unhelpful thoughts about sleep.

For example, you think:

"I need 8 hours of sleep every night to feel refreshed and function well during the day"

This belief will lead you to being anxious and worried when you wake up at night and you can't get back to sleep.

You'll start thinking about how horrible you will feel and all the health implications of not getting enough hours and how your day is going to be ruined.

This thought is only making you spiral further into more negative thoughts, making you toss and turn and keeping you from sleeping.

Now let's look at the facts:

The amount of sleep we get each night varies and relies on many factors.

You might get 6 hours one and 8 hours another night and when you're sick, your body might even crave more and you'll end up sleeping for 10 hours.

We should ideally aim for 7-9 hours most nights but we are not robots and you should not worry about a bad night of sleep. Our body is very good at figuring out our sleep needs and will adjust accordingly.

There is also something called "core sleep", the restorative and essential part of our sleep that happens in the first half of the night, typically around 3-5 hours.

You will get most of your deep sleep and some light and REM sleep during this time so when you wake up in the early morning hours, you will have completed your essential need for sleep to sustain the daily functions of your body.

Ideally at this point you would go back to sleep and complete a few more cycles and feel fully rested the following day, however even if you can't sleep and end up missing out on a couple of hours, your body is still able to function just fine.

You are also going to find it much easier to go to sleep the following night as your body will aim to recover the lost sleep.

So instead of thinking "I need 8 hours of sleep every single night", reframe this thought to something like this:

"8 is an arbitrary number and there is more to sleep than just the amount of hours. Quality and a regular schedule matters too and my body will naturally know how much sleep I need. I got my core hours, I'm going to be fine the next day and I'll be able to function just fine"

You can do this with any negative belief or thought that might pop into your head at night.

First, write them down either at night when they're fresh on your mind or take 10 minutes during the day and make a list of every negative or irrational thought or belief that you have had recently.

Then, during the day, look at each one and ask yourself:

"Is there any evidence for this thought?"

"Am I basing this thought on facts or feelings?"

"Could I misinterpret the evidence?"

"Am I making assumptions?"

"Could I be exaggerating?"

"Is my thought a likely scenario?

"What's the worst case scenario?"

"What would be a more balanced or alternative thought?"

Don't do this at night!

You want to try this method when you are able to think rationally and examine your thoughts and beliefs from different angles. Try doing this for at least a week and your brain will start to rewire itself and establish more positive and realistic thoughts.

You will likely still wake up at night with some worries and thoughts running through your head but you will find it much easier to accept those as irrational or exaggerations in the moment and move on, making it much easier to switch off and go back to sleep.

Our thoughts are extremely powerful and can have control over many areas of our lives including our sleep.

So let's try and take back control in 2025 and leave our irrational thoughts and fears where they belong: in our dreams.

Sleep well,

Anne - The Sleep Nerd 🛌🌟😴